i guess i've been feeling a little lonely from the very beginning of this year. not really sure what this feeling is about. but i think i'm yearning for accompaniment. someone that i can talk to comfortably without making extra effort.

i've been watching a lot of movies regarding love. i wouldn't say it has affected me. it's more like i'm looking to know more about love through them. i don't think desperate is the right word to describe me. it's not like i like anyone that happens to be by my side most of the time. it's just that i feel rather empty and i think turning 22 and that the announcements of so many couples have kind of given me a wake up call to actually start looking for a companion. I don't like this feeling. it makes me feel weak and i like to be seen as strong willed and determined. I guess stubborn can be used on me, if you want to label me.

anyway, i'm pretty determined to lose 5kg within this semester. get myself a tone body and feel good about wearing and shopping for clothes. made a few new year's resolutions to keep. unfortunately, i've broken all of them already. either way, i'm still going to keep up with it and persevere. YOU CAN DO IT JO!

1. Wake up early and sleep early. Latest bedtime will be 12am.
2. Lose 5kg off your current weight and not snack. Exercise!
3. Complete your assignments and read up on your textbook before class.
4. Pull my CAP up to a second upper honors.
5. Wear decently to school. Iron your clothes. Try not to wear tee shirts and shorts.

 Oh ya! i should really start writing letters to the friends i made on exchange. Damn I miss my life in Kingston! Oh well, face it jo! You're in sunny stressful island Singapore. Just be grateful that you have your family and friends and an education. Stop whining!

 alright. it's 4 may 2011. and i have one last paper on 6 may.
i haven't even started studying on that module. and it's freaking 14 chapters.
oh well, seems like i'll just have to be cooped up at home to finish all 14 chapters before i take a break.

internship starts on 9 may and i'm feeling super nervous and excited about it.
i don't know what they will want me to do. hopefully, i will learn something new and apply my knowledge.
maybe they'll even offer me a place as a permanent staff there. but that's just my wishful thinking.
anyway, i don't really know what to wear to my workplace. it states that i should look SMART and PROFESSIONAL.
but when i think about smart and professional, i think about the boring office wear outfits that i have at home.
seriously need style advice from joanne. in fact, the other time we went shopping, jaslin and her picked me this super nice outfit from zara and i bought it right away.

i feel so fat now. i've been gaining loads of weight this study break. it's like when i'm stressed, i'll just go find comfort food to eat. when i'm bored, i turn to food again. and when i'm relaxing, i'll be munching some food. food seems to be everywhere around me. even if they are not, i'll go find them. i'm not surprised that i've gained about 5 kg. and i officially lose the bet i made with mum. there goes my 100 bucks... sigh.

i must be crazy to be watching a drama when i'm suppose to be studying for a major exam, that's coming this saturday.
why am i doing this?
there were so many hints to tell me to stop but i still went ahead with my temptations.
what is wrong with me?
am i going out of my mind?
am i going back to my teevee addict days?
come on jo. you need to focus. this last show and no more teevee for you.
study for the way! STUDY HARD AND PRACTICE HARDER!

GRRRR! I'M SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF!

mum gave me a challenge today to motivate me to lose some weight.

CHALLENGE: to lose 5kg within 3 or 4 months
AWARD: $100

i guess this motivation helps. at least there's a goal to achieve and a reward to obtain at the end of the challenge. i'm definitely going to work hard towards this challenge. sometimes, i think i really mindful about my physical appearance and i getting increasely sensitive with comments that are about my physique. I hate being a GIANT. people are constantly telling me that I'm a MAN, I'm really big etc. and these comments really sounds pretty insulting to me. they just prevent me from being myself sometimes and i don't like that.

i went to jet's house to hang out yesterday and i must say, for a moment, i actually felt a tinge of family warmth when we ate dinner together. it felt really good and i actually feel a little family love. when will i ever get this kind of feelings and warmth from my own family? i'm even kind of afraid to celebrate my birthday. well jo, you just have to suck it in. you've lived with this for years and you should get used to it already. be glad that you still have your cousins to provide you with some family comfort when you yearn for it.

second week of year 2 sem 2 starts tmr. TIME TO WORK HARD! GO JO GO! GAMBATTE!

i've been thinking a lot about my education and i can safely say that i've screwed it up.
my CAP is not up to my standard, i haven't achieved anything that is resume worthy and i'm really afraid what my future education path will lead me to. with so much things going through my mind these days, i find myself constantly suffering from insomnia and i sense the intense competition even as the new semester hasn't even started. maybe it's because i just wasted one holiday without internship. maybe i've played too much this holiday that i find myself in too much of a holiday mood. i've got to start building my momentum for this sem and get my motivation back.

getting ahead of everyone is going to be difficult but it's not impossible. YOU CAN DO IT, JO! no matter what, don't lose hope and just keep going. everything is going to be fine. yes. everything is going to be fine.

GO JO GO! JIA YOU!!!